I’ve never been tempted by the idea of writing love stories, something about fairy tale endings never rang true for me and this was due to the relationships I had witnessed and been a part of.
I like the idea of Happy Ever After but in reality I struggled to connect with this concept as a possibility, and so I believed it was hard for me to write about it.
For years I’ve believed in the idea of writing what you know, that a lived experience read better on paper than an imagined one.
I’ve since changed my mind.
I’ve read stories in books by authors who chose to research a topic and let their imagination take over to create a story that is credible. I’ve indulged in movies and Netflix series with intriguing story-lines, likely written by people with little or no direct experience of the subject. How much experience of aliens or zombies do we need to have to write about it? I’d argue that all we need is a little bit of wonder and the ability to let creativity lead the way.
For a long time I was emotionally detached, which began as a coping mechanism in response to trauma but ended up becoming a lifestyle choice. Emotions scared me. They were overwhelming and unfamiliar, something I could only control if I chose to dip my toe in it. Feeling numb was almost comforting, although there were levels of numbness that left me craving for the ability to feel anything but.
My experiences of heartbreak had tarnished my view of the world. I was sceptic about relationships, the decisions I made didn’t reflect the self-love I claimed to embody. I chose emotionally-distant lovers who lured me in with the inconsistency and lack of commitment that internally I felt I deserved. It felt familiar to be misled, to be second place or not have any place at all. Feeling like an option felt normal, and so I was always so grateful that they had picked me. This level of self-worth was cemented by the choices my own mother made. I never witnessed a woman not settling for less than she deserved, so why would I expect any better for myself?
To write a love story seemed impossible. I couldn’t write about something I didn’t believe in, and my life experiences had taught me that such a concept didn’t really exist.
But something has changed.
I want to write my own story, I want to be the protagonist in a story of love and hope. I’m ready to bare that part of me, to illustrate a blank page with my wholesome words and cause the bottom of your stomach to fuzz with warmth.
2017 was been good to me in a way I never expected, simply because I eased out of making self-sabotaging decisions and decided to step towards the unknown and be brave instead.
In response to my brave step away from my comfort zone, the Universe blessed me with the presence of a divinely good soul who is showing me just how good love is supposed to feel. Though I felt a teeny bit fearful in the beginning, I’m finally at the point where I am accepting this goodness because I FEEL I deserve it.
While this is all new to me, the possibility of pure bliss, an undying love, devotion and commitment seems easier for me to imagine than I ever did. I’d like to transfer my new experience to paper, add a little hope and imagination, and write a love story that will make your heart weep with happiness.
Watch this space.
I’d like to bring your attention to Episode 10: Dealing with Painful Revelations about Your Childhood.
In this episode, I open up about aspects of my traumatic childhood and look at how it continues to impact me in adulthood.
If you’ve experienced domestic violence, sexual abuse, death of a parent, anxiety and depression, and other such things, this episode is for you.