If I Never…

… believed in a future I couldn’t see, would I be here now? Doing any of this?

I don’t think about that often but I am indulging in that now. The alternative reality. The former me.

It’s easy for me to overlook my achievements and successes, I’ve been in that habit for years. But it’s time for a change. I know I’ll be doing myself a disservice if I continue to ignore the parts of me that got me here.

If I never trusted that I could be more, I would never have known the impact of my purpose in action. I’ve learned that I can move mountains with my strength, inspire my stories and quite literally change my life.

If I never ignored my negative thinking, would I still be this positive? Even now, I battle with the pull of anxiety, but it is a battle I frequently win. I believe and trust that everything has a purpose and is only temporary. What am I even writing? It doesn’t make sense!

I just want to say I didn’t know I’d be here. I believed in something more but I didn’t know it would look like this. I wanted to be an author, but I never knew I’d actually do it. Yet, here I am. Doing it. Loving every minute.

I believed in something I couldn’t see and it gave me a reality I couldn’t have imagined. And that’s exactly what I want to teach my daughters.

As a child, I escaped a toxic and abusive home environment by burying my nose between the pages of books. Stories consumed me, fuelled my imagination and gave me faith in magic. Just because we can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Yet, in adulthood, I’ve lacked trust, avoided taking steps which lack visual proof of success, and questioned my feelings about everything. I’ve made mistakes. Or have I? If I’d never made those decisions, perhaps I wouldn’t be living this fabulous life now.

So right now, I’d like to applaud the moments where I didn’t ignore the pull of my intuition, where I chose a future I couldn’t see, for a person I didn’t know I’d become. I’m grateful, so damn grateful for the woman who I was before.

She carried me forward until I could finally accept and meet the woman I’ve become today, and her journey should be honored. I didn’t see a clear route at the time, there was no handbook or role model for me to follow steps in order to become a stronger and more positive woman. But there was a sense of greatness that was waiting for me to pursue it, a feeling of purpose and a sense of responsibility to serve it that motivated me to strive forward. There was a hint of possibility, and that was enough for me.

What I’m saying is, if you have a feeling that you can’t explain, if it’s pulling you in a new direction, trust it. Because if I never trusted myself, I wouldn’t be this happy now.

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