My desire to know all the answers to everything all the time is making me miserable.
Sometimes we don’t know the answers. We don’t need to. The lesson isn’t in a position to be hunted, it can only be taught by patience, by waiting and experiencing the moment for what it is. Right now that means I have to embrace this feeling of being uncomfortable, of being taunted by anxiety and negative thinking, holding back confused tears as I push away anyone who may try to help me.
What’s wrong? What’s happened? Why are you feeling like this? I have one simple answer: I don’t know. That’s all I have. And that fact alone is upsetting, because it means I can’t work on a problem I can’t identify. It means I can’t block the cause because I can’t pinpoint what it is. I can’t control this and perhaps it isn’t meant to be controlled at all, maybe the lesson is not being in control at all.
I am tired of all this. Of seeking answers and reasons and understanding of why things work out in the way that I do. Right now, I don’t even understand myself so to explain this feeling to someone else feels like a daunting task. I would rather not. And it’s not to say I would be unsupported, because I am surrounded by love. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about why my head is where it is because even I don’t have the answers. If I can’t make sense of me, who on earth will?
There comes that idea that when in turmoil we will be saved, but I don’t believe that hero exists. Nobody is coming to save me from my thoughts or feelings, only I can save me from myself, and that right now is an overwhelming task.
Last week has taught me a lot about myself. There was a lot of fear in last week, and it has challenged me so much. I haven’t written in my journal as much as I should have done, especially when I noticed signs of anxiety paying a visit. I was negligent of myself here and I am practising forgiveness, because even I am still learning. I allowed fear to takeover in some instances this week and this lead to a very emotional day (which prompted the first part of this post). I am still coming to terms with the impact of that but at the same time learning more about myself and what I allow to happen.
What a state I allowed myself to be in. Although I won’t be mean to myself, I am only human and even with all my knowledge and passion for self-love, even I miss opportunities to practice it when I really need it. I promised myself I wouldn’t sink into depression this Christmas and this has been quite a test.
I know I’m strong and I overcome challenges. But there comes a point where everything begins to feel too much and if I don’t take care of myself, I crumble.
So much could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself, if I’d ignored negative thoughts and didn’t let my experiences of the past hold me back. But I’ve learned that lesson, the consequences give me no other choice than to be mindful of how I approach life and love in the future.