Thinking Out Loud

Do you ever feel fed up, out of the blue, for no damn reason? And it becomes frustrating because you can’t identify the cause but you can’t shake it off either?

thinking-out-loudI feel like that right now as I type this and I know it’s something that’s been trying to creep for a few days. I’m hoping it’s not a visit from my old friend depression, because I’ve been feeling incredibly tired too. I’ve been uninterested and unmotivated for a few days now but I refuse to let it conquer me.

The thing with depression is that it isn’t always constant. I live through it for months on end then enjoy a nice break from it, which makes me think it has gone. But then it returns and I find it so hard not to get disheartened about it especially as I’m so ambitious and havegoals to work towards.

Right now I feel fed up but underneath that is an uncomfortable numbness. There are levels to this numbness and over time I have figured out how much of it I can live with. Today it’s not a particularly loud feeling and so I can ignore it for the most part, but I can feel it lingering in the background. I feel like this usually in response to something, disappointment, conflict, stress, and this is my way of protecting myself. It sucks. It’s not great. It’s an automatic thing that is inbuilt and I don’t know how to control it.

I type this and part of me is telling myself I am making a mountain out of a molehill. That I am not depressed and rarely am, that I’m just tired and need a good night’s sleep. But I have been sleeping, a lot, that’s the point. And waking up exhausted and low in energy for most of the day.

writing challengeMy saving grace is the part of my mind that is excited and focused on current and new projects which demand my attention and creativity. So that keeps me here and not stuck in gloomy cloud.

But perhaps I am a drama queen after all. I’ve felt like this for a few days, not for a few weeks or a few months, nowhere near like earlier this year. I haven’t read for a few days so I know I need to pick that back up again. I’ve discovered that a good book is the perfect medicine for anxiety, though I don’t feel anxious now. Right now I feel tired like I have for days. I feel fed up but I can’t pinpoint why.

I used to fight this feeling, or lack of feeling, I was determined that it wouldn’t overtake me and conquer my life. I’ve since learned to let it flow because it leaves the same way as it arrives; unexpectedly.

It’s the school holidays now and so I’m out of the routine I usually have with my children. I’m no longer checking my diary or planning much ahead. I know none of this is a helpful contribution to how I feel, as I always feel much clearer when working with a plan.

I haven’t had the motivation to plan, I don’t know where it’s gone. It’ll come back, of course, because it always does. I know I have to go through the motions with this, try not to over think it or work myself into a state because ultimately I need to maintain my mindset. My mindset it mostly positive, my thoughts aren’t too negative today but I can’t help but feel “meh” you know?

I wish I knew where it comes from, I know I need to stop worrying about finding the cause and instead just let it be. I really dislike not knowing things and so not knowing specifically why I feel a bit detached from life is frustrating, but nothing new.

If I’m really honest, I could dig deep and find my answers but I guess part of me doesn’t want to address it. Some stones are best left unturned, at least for now anyway.

I’m just thinking out loud. Thanks for reading.

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