Out Of Order. Out Of Line.

okI write this with a little apprehension, because it is so far from what I usually write about. I don’t do kiss and tells, reveal-all exclusives or full-on exposures, it’s not for me anyway, but here I am.

I realise in this world that we can spend all the time we want talking about how much we love life and how grateful we are for it, all while covering up and hiding the disgusting behaviour inflicted by others onto us.

There are people in this world who will feel no way about being rude to you, confident in the knowledge that they are right and you are wrong and you won’t do a thing about it or tell a soul. This has to end here. This has to end right now.

I’m not going to shout about my blessings while hiding the stuff I have to deal with in the background. It’s not about protecting that vile person, I get it, and I already know we’re bigger than those who like to sling mud in public. Nobody likes that, obviously. But from the minute another person mistreats you, it becomes a shared experience. You can take ownership of that and talk about how it affected you, because it happened to you. So, why don’t we talk about that? Why do we choose to not say a word and instead suffer in silence? If I speak the truth, what are you going to do? What I’m about to share here is not a lie, so if it is met with a storm, why are you mad? I didn’t make you look bad, your behaviour did. You don’t like how it looks? You don’t like what people say about it? You shouldn’t have done it.

Dare I say it? Stupid men! Okay, not all men but definitely the men I’m referring to in this blog post. You’re stupid and disrespectful and I’ve blocked you from all of my social media because I have had enough. What am I talking about? So-called male friends.

In the last few months I have cut ties with, deleted, blocked and/or blanked a total of 4 male (former) friends. I’m a friendly person, honey, so if I’m deleting AND blocking you, that’s serious.

Yes, I’m single but I’m not free game to the whole world and when I say “we’re friends” I really mean it. Like, if I do like you in a way other than that, I’ll be quite clear about it. I’m honest and straightforward like that, seeing my opportunity and taking it, but when I don’t you can be rest assured I wasn’t interested in the first place, no matter how obvious you make it.

It’s rarely personal; I know what I like and what I don’t, and I don’t feel indebted to anyone just because they took a liking to me. Not my problem and if you can’t deal with or even consider the concept that the feeling may not be mutual, then you are not a friend at all.

Let me present to you the prompts for this post. The first dude was a friend with a girlfriend. We’d long since established that he wouldn’t send me explicit messages because it was inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable. I thought he understood this and me overall, especially having known my relationship history and general life experiences. I thought he could be trusted but these boundaries were put in place as an extra measure of safety, because I guess deep down I knew he was vile.

yesLow and behold, I attended an event in Birmingham a few months ago and he was there. Usual friendly greeting, bit of chit chat and nothing out of the ordinary. All respectful, right? Following that evening, he had made reference to a fantasy he’d had when he saw me, to which I let him know I didn’t want to know the details at all. I told him to keep it to himself because I wasn’t interested. I also reminded him of the rule I had set in place, which he also acknowledged.

Everything was cool for a little while. We’d call and catch up, talk about what exciting things we’re working on, sharing successes and professional plans for the near future. Friendship, you know? That’s all it was. I had been clear. Then one morning, he messaged me to update me on a business deal that had gone through. He was very happy about it and wanted to share it with a friend, naturally. Before I knew it, that topic had escalated and he began to describe in graphic detail this sexual fantasy he’d had about me months ago. Throughout this I reminded him of the rule. Throughout this I told him I didn’t want to know. Throughout this I told him no and he still continued to send me these disgusting messages.  This is via text message, but I still said no and he still carried on sending me these messages.

Do you know how triggering that can be? At the end he even acknowledged that he knew he had broken our rule but he did it anyway. He didn’t care. He was just thinking about himself and what he wanted to do, rather than respecting my wishes and respecting me as in individual. I was triggered. I deleted and blocked him on everything. It took me a few days to get my head straight because I was so shocked and disgusted at what he had done. All I could think was that he clearly cannot be trusted. This friend wasn’t trying to be friendly, he just wanted to pour out his perverted fantasies on an unsuspecting woman because it made him feel powerful. I said no and he carried on. For me, that is wrong in any context. He carried on doing something I didn’t like and had been clear about this and even throughout I told him, but he didn’t care. That’s not a friend at all.

More recently I met someone on a dating site. Granted, people go on dating sites looking for love or to hook up, but I thought this person would be a good friend. We’d shared a bit of banter and he seemed cool, even when I told him I wasn’t remotely interested in him in any other way than a friend. He asked me for my WhatsApp number (I don’t know why you lot don’t just say number but okay) for months before I gave it, while making it clear that we are just friends and that was all it was going to be. He understood that, so I thought. Within a couple of days, I had to delete and block this fool too. We’d made plans to meet up for brunch, as friends, and that was all well and good until he began to act like an idiot. I have male friends who aren’t actively trying to sleep with me so I know that meeting up for a drink wouldn’t be more than that with them. So I assumed the same would be with this guy, right? Because I had told him so and it’s common fucking sense.

qI can’t even remember how it started but he started to get upset because I had reiterated to him that I didn’t see him as more than a friend. He asked me if it’s because he’s not my type, I told him yeah. He asked me what my type is, I said I don’t really have one and I just know when I know. He started to lecture me about how I shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, I should go for personality blah blah blah. I didn’t say I didn’t go for these things either, but if I don’t like you I don’t question it. It is what it is. It doesn’t require an explanation but he demanded one. He felt that he is a good man and as he is such a good man, I, a good woman, should want him. I said I understand what he was saying but just because he is a decent guy it doesn’t mean I should desire to be with him. It could make sense on paper but not in reality.
I’m not going to be with anyone with a smashing personality just for the sake of being in a relationship. I see myself as a whole and complete person without a relationship, so I can wait for that right person to contribute to that, whoever it may be. I love myself, right? I’d rather wait until my gut instinct is telling me to take the chance, rather than to follow demands dictated by some fool who doesn’t know how to speak to a woman.

I kept on telling him to drop the issue because my stance wasn’t going to change. I didn’t like him in that way and it was nothing personal, there was nothing wrong with him, he just wasn’t for me. If it doesn’t feel right, I don’t go there. That’s it. That’s enough for me. He carried on, telling me he likes this debate but I could tell he was being passive aggressive. I think now he saw me as a challenge, someone to win. I told him from the very beginning that I didn’t like him in a non-friend way, so I don’t know why he was so upset and hurt when that didn’t change. He said he doesn’t like rejection. Understandable but this is life, we will get rejected from time to time. Yes it hurts but it is inevitable, that’s why we develop thick skin and move on. I believe that what is for me won’t pass me, so when I am rejected it just confirms to me that the person wasn’t right for me anyway, and I get on with my life.

But this guy carried on. Taking it personal, getting upset, making demands and assumptions, clearly not used to speaking with a woman who loves herself so much and takes no nonsense. He expected to have authority over me with his opinions, expected me to lower my walls and let him in because he saw himself as a King. Sure, he could be but that doesn’t mean he is the King for me.

Shit, are we really spending our lives getting with the wrong people because it ‘makes sense’, instead of holding out for the right people because it feels right?

I eventually deleted and blocked this guy too because his sense of entitlement was too much for me, and I don’t care to change his mind at all. He didn’t agree that a man could and should love himself, he didn’t agree that a person could be complete by themselves, so I doubt he would ever see things from my perspective.

What annoyed me about this was that we were meant to be friends. I didn’t flirt or suggest otherwise. I didn’t lead him on or made false promises. I made it clear to him from the beginning and throughout our conversations that it wouldn’t go any further, yet still he ignored it and carried on with his intentions to win me or whatever. No.

Another male (former) friend I blocked for being rude to me on a social media network, for all to see, and then went and stirred up trouble between me and another person. Got himself involved with something that had nothing to do with him and made an already tense situation worse. I don’t argue online, I’m a grown up. I had mutual friends contacting me because of what this person had written about me, so I knew it wasn’t just disrespectful in my eyes. Yet, in person? This person couldn’t even make eye contact with me. No apology, no hello, no nothing. Yeah I looked him in the face and there was nothing. That was enough for me to know the friendship was never true in the first place.

I don’t like disrespect on any level and I do not expect to have to tolerate it from people I genuinely consider my friends. Are you kidding me? Were their intentions good from the start? Or have I been given fancy job titles, statuses and recommendations because you thought you’d be in with a chance? You’re welcome to say I’m full of myself but the evidence speaks for itself.

And would you believe, this happens a lot to women. Women that I know and women that I don’t. Some men disguising themselves as friends when they clearly have only one agenda, and this is proven when their character changes when they realise they’re not getting what they want. They behave in this way so confidently, almost as though they see no wrong in it at all and of course even if a woman was to call them out on it they wouldn’t take her seriously. And because of that reason alone, we rarely speak up about it. Until now.

29a9d024e9b5f6cebdae9b7e4bc5358eRemember I said earlier that this is a shared experience. I was involved aswell as the other person. So, if they don’t like what I do with this experience then perhaps they need to reconsider the way they act towards or speak to women. They need to consider how they view women, how they value them or if they value them at all. You call yourself a King but you only respect a woman as long as she is giving you what you want? You’re not a fucking King, you’re the servant of a peasant and the whole world should take a dump on you. It’s a good job my self esteem is sky high because these idiots would have me thinking I’m wrong for daring to be outraged at their behaviour.

Lol, did y’all forget I’m a writer? Yeah I won’t write your name but I’ll write about you, honey. Thanks for the writing inspiration. Care to sue me? Just tell the world which bit here you relate to and let the world judge you properly. Wonderful.

Would you call this bullying? Harassment? I don’t know, all I know is that some men have a hard time in accepting the fact that a woman sees them as just a friend. There is no fucking friendzone. No woman owes you sex or time or attention because you’re a ‘good’ man. No woman is in debt to you because you were nice to her. Because if the only reason you’re nice to a woman and feigning friendship is to get sex, then you are not a nice person at all.

If your intentions aren’t pure, stay away from me with your pride and your feelings. I don’t owe you anything.

Now, to all women who read this: This is just my experience. This is just touching the surface. This is just what I care to share at this time. Do you care to share?

Lots of love x


2 Comments Add yours

  1. dray0308 says:

    Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
    Meet Annika Spalding!!


  2. I know exactly what you’re talking about. This also happens the other way around. I tell a woman that I’m not interested in cyber-sex or online relationships and they agree to be friends. What they don’t say is that they secretly believe that if they find the right manipulation, they win. What do they win? Nothing really,

    Inevitably a woman realizes that I mean what I say and that I am what I say and they get bored, but they can’t simply walk away…they have to drag as much as my name through the mud as they can….and this is where opening the record becomes an effective form of self defense.

    It’s very hard to slander someone who is an open book and willing to talk about everything.

    And doing so denies them the secrecy they need to harass other people with impunity.


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