I’m a sociable person, you know? I’m very much a social butterfly because I love people so much. I love getting to know people, whether it is in person or online, thoroughly enjoy the meeting of minds and that mental stimulation that, for me, can only be provided by another person.
But (and I say ‘but’ like it’s a bad thing, but it really isn’t) I love my own company. I mean, I really love it.There are days when I long for nothing more than the few hours at night I get to myself.
When my children are asleep and the house is quiet, this is where I take the time to gather my thoughts. I reflect. I analyze. I plot and plan ahead. I write, and often speak out loud while I write because I am comfortable in my own space. I don’t need to fill it up with anything in particular, the TV is rarely on and I like it that way. It’s a distraction, I believe, intended to stunt the growth of the mind, but my mind wants to expand.
Even now, I am sat in my dining room with my laptop in darkness except for my laptop light. There is no music or TV or anything like that. Even my mobile phone is on silent because beyond the tapping of my fingertips on the keyboard, I want to hear my thoughts.
I want to be closer to me, to understand my thought process and take time to just be in my element. I like my own space, this is why not being in a relationship doesn’t phase me. I’m already whole by myself. I am complete. What more do I need?
When it comes down to it, late at night when I am by myself and in my zone, I really do love myself. I love the person I’ve become and value who I’m becoming. I love me and I am enough. I am enough and I was always enough. It feels like an epiphany now, perhaps to you but I embarked on this journey almost 3 years ago and this is the best I have felt yet.
I don’t get lonely, even though I spend a lot of my evening time alone. It’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed a romance or two, but it is not something I can’t live without. I learned a long time ago that me depending on another person to make me happy was a mission doomed to fail. Instead, I’ve worked on making myself happy and becoming dependant upon that. What I know is that people change and that’s cool, I’ve changed too. But in this life, people are not permanent, the only thing I can guarantee is myself. So, why not invest in me and learn to love the person that I am, because I am always here?
I love my alone time because I can get so much done. My creativity is a huge part of me and so my evenings are dedicated to whatever projects I am working on. I’ve learned not to take too much on, to pay attention when I am feeling overwhelmed and to switch off when this happens. I know that when this time comes, I can spend my evenings with my headphones on my iPad and dance like a wild woman to my favourite playlist. Nobody is here but me. Nobody knows but me. Nobody is watching and so I can just be myself and let go. It’s so important.
I think this is also a sign of my growth. There have been times when I am riddled with anxiety and so I go to bed to avoid the overthinking. When I’m feeling low, all I want to do is sleep. But right now, I’m on a creative high and all I want is insomnia. LOL. Isn’t that something? I just want to spend more time being awake and undisturbed, focusing on the things that are bringing me a lot of excitement right now.
And while I sometimes spend time nurturing a spark in the hope that it will grow, for now I continue to focus on me. I focus on this time right here. Peace. Comfort. Solitude. Mine.