No Woman’s Land

moiI’m entering a period of time whereby I have no idea what I’m feeling. This isn’t necessarily a response to anything, but then maybe it is. I’ve basked in happiness all week long, allowed myself to be consumed by the high and perhaps now it is waning, giving way to the ever ready numbness that I often feel.

I’ve spent some time thinking about what might cause me to think this way. Recent ideas have been that perhaps I am overwhelmed with motherhood; the intensity of weekends and school holidays with little or no break can get a little bit too much. Or maybe this single life I’m leading, the one that I love so much is actually at times a little lonely and I’d like some company and affection?

Self-love requires a lot of work and dedication, and I often have to remind myself that I am worth my effort. That is why I am here. I wasn’t born into this life to be miserable. Or ordinary or mediocre. Those dreams of mine are intended to become reality, and it so often is my reality and I am so very blessed, believe me.

These bouts of feeling nothing come often, sometimes it lasts a day, a week or even a bit longer. Another thing that I have to remind myself is that it is not important to know what I feel at every point of the day. It is okay not to know. I add pressure onto myself, eager to assign myself an emotion to fit my current mood, instead of allowing myself to be in the moment. I can’t always identify with my feelings but is it important anyway? This overthinking and worrying about not knowing how I’m feeling only adds to the bewilderment at the nothingness.

I can sense it coming on now but I am telling myself I am fabulous. I am telling myself that I am blessed and I am happy. I am happy: this is not a false statement, I am happy. My life is full of blessings and I am so grateful for everything and everyone that I encounter.

I need to remind myself that I am only human. I am a positive person but it is okay to have a few off days. It is hard work to maintain a positive mindset all the time and some times I just need to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel, whatever that is. This is not to say that I go into a negative place, because I don’t. I simply enter a place of being, where I am neither happy or sad, up or down, I’m just here, in no woman’s land.

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